Psychotherapy and Divorce
Psychotherapy and Divorce
How can psychotherapy help women experiencing divorce?
How can psychotherapy help women experiencing divorce?
by Dr Hester Bancroft, BSc (Hons) Psych, DCPsych, CPsychol
Research has a fundamental role to play in informing psychotherapeutic practice. Indeed, world-wide, policy-making bodies such as the UK’s National Institute of Health and Clinical Excellence (NICE) recommend psychological therapies that have been shown as effective in the treatment of specific psychological distress (Cooper, 2008)
Whilst it is understandable that policy-making bodies (who influence funding-making decisions), wish for therapies to be shown to work at the highest possible level of rigour, many have questioned the methods and assumptions around this model (Cooper, 2008). In particular, whilst cognitive behavioural therapy is relatively easily quantifiable, many therapies are not and thus, within this model, where therapies have not been tested, they are also not deemed ‘effective’. In addition, there are underlying assumptions that discrete forms of psychological distress exist and that empirically supported treatments are generalizable despite particular groups of clients being excluded from these controlled trials (Cooper, 2008).
It is, therefore, useful for clinicians to look beyond the limitations of ‘proven’ treatments and explore the existing literature to inform their practice. This article attempts to do just that. In particular, it looks at how research can inform clinicians when working with women experiencing divorce and the associated grief and accompanying feelings of loss of identity (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002).
Divorce, ultimately, involves the separation of a single pair and the subsequent return to separate entities; it is therefore, inevitable, that divorce poses a threat to individual identity for both men and women (Cookston and Remy, 2015). To date, however, the over whelming majority of research on divorce has focused on the impact divorce has on children rather than on the couple involved. This article will look at what we can learn from the existing literature regarding the separating couple, and more specifically, the women involved.
Women face quite different challenges to men during this transitional phase; research shows us that women have a greater tendency than men to define themselves in terms of their close relationships (Chen et al., 2001), experience greater financial problems post divorce (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002; Harris, 2011) and tend to accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and the impact of divorce on other relationships (Van Schalkwyk, 2005).
As we will see, existing research indicates that individuals in this client group can benefit from exploring the grieving process, acknowledging their lost selves and understanding how they may be constructing and, ultimately, reconstructing, their relational and social selves.
This article will go on to suggest that further research is needed into women’s, and indeed men’s, experience of divorce. It also proposes that research taking a phenomenological approach would be invaluable in providing clinicians with an even deeper understanding of the lived experience of individuals in this particular client group.
Women’s changing sense of self after divorce
The topic of the self is a highly contentious but fundamental concept within psychology. Since Cooley (1902) and Mead (1934) proposed in their identity theories that there was both an ‘observer’ (the ‘I’ or individual self) and ‘observed’ self (the ‘me’ or social self), much research has focused on the ways in which interpersonal interactions influence an individual’s sense of self; conceptualising the self as social, dynamic, multiple and reflexive.
However, in the 1940’s Allport postulated that it was possible to study the self through experimentation and by the 1970’s social cognitive psychology dominated research in this area, conceptualising the self as unitary, fixed and coherent. During the last 30 years, however, there has been criticism of this objectification of the self and the intrinsic assumption that the self is observable and measureable and research findings are generalizable across time and culture. Consequently there has been an increasing interest in studying the self through qualitative methodology which recognises the subjectivity of the self and sees individuals as inseparable form historical and socio- cultural contexts (Langdridge, 2007).
Major life changes, such as divorce, can have a profound effect on an individuals’ sense of self. Post divorce, a woman can suffer a loss of identity (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002) and feel the need to redefine her self and make multiple transitions in roles and relationships (Duffy, 2002).
Research indicates dominant discourses exist around women experiencing divorce that can cause intense internal discomfort and a loss of their socially constructed self (Van Schalkwyk, 2005). Darcy Harris (2011) suggests that even though divorce is now more ‘acceptable’ in industrialised society (where the divorce rate is now at 50%) the language around divorce continues to reflect blame and stigma. Indeed, much research shows there remains an assumption that one of the partners caused the ‘failure’ of the relationship (Fine, Ganong and Demo, 2005; Grynch and Fincham, 1992).
Inevitably both men and women coming through a divorce experience a reduction in assets and income. However, women continue to experience greater financial problems post-divorce than men (Harris, 2011; Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002). Not only are men still paid more than women in the workplace (Harris, 2011), many women also face inherent obstacles when attempting to return to work post divorce. If they have been out of the work place raising children they can be seen as less desirable by employers and this is often exacerbated by the need for flexibility because of childcare arrangements (Beck and Beck-Gernsheim, 2002; Harris, 2011).
This change in financial circumstance has not only very real practical implications, but also implications for their sense of identity within their existing social group. Research shows wellbeing is linked to our relative income, that is, our income relative to others in our social group (Firebaugh and Schroeder, 2009). Thus, the likely change in a person’s finances, may also impact on their sense of who they are.
Unsurprisingly these changes in roles and relationships, coupled with a loss of identity, can cause women psychological distress, which may prompt them to seek support.
What does the existing research tell us, as clinicians, to be aware of when working with this particular client group?
When reviewing the existing literature into the experience of women going through divorce several key areas emerge for clinicians to be aware of when working with this client group.
The grieving process
Theories on grief are predominantly rooted in John Bowlby’s attachment theory, which, whilst originally developed to understand the bond between infants and their caregivers, is now recognised as a useful framework to understand how adults cope with the separations from significant people. Bowlby (1973, 1979) saw grief as encompassing four phases; numbness interspersed with distress or anger, yearning and searching for the lost figure, a phase of disorganisation and despair and finally, a phase of reorganisation. It has long been recognised, however, that the grief process does not follow a clear trajectory, rather individuals move back and forth though the phases of the grief.
There are, of course, significant differences between grief related to death of a spouse and grief related to divorce (Bowlby, 1979). In divorce, the process tends to be prolonged because of the possibility of reconciliation, the inevitable future interactions and events that surround their children, family and friends. In addition, during of divorce, there is often a need for boundaries to be renegotiated between the couple and the wider family system whilst the divorcing couple are simultaneously experiencing intense and painful emotions (Harris, 2011).
Research indicates that 60% of divorcees feel anger as part of their grief (Kitson and Zyzanski, 1987). Some research indicates that the expression of anger can help facilitate adjustment to divorce (Emery, 1988; Isaacs and Leon, 1988).
Somary and Emery’s (1991) research was designed to assist lawyers in dealing with anger during divorce mediation. Their research, however, also provides useful and pertinent insights that can inform psychotherapeutic practice. In particular, they make a clear distinction between ‘emotional anger’ (resulting from the person’s emotional state) and ‘rational anger’ (the response to real and threatening circumstances that can occur as a result of the divorce such as a feeling of unjustness about financial or custodial arrangements).
Whilst therapeutic support is not specifically related to the settlement process, this research is useful in highlighting the importance of clinicians having an understanding of the different types of anger their client may be experiencing. Literature indicates there are at least three sources of ‘emotional anger’ after divorce; disappointment and responsibility for failed dreams, responsive hostility (also known as ‘irritable aggression’) and lingering attachment to the former spouse (Somary and Emery, 1991).
Disappointment is inevitable for both people coming through a divorce (Kubler-Ross, 1969), however, research suggests that as women come through divorce, and the associated grieving process, they can experience newfound freedom, a feeling of competence and increased self-worth (Riessman,1990). Harris (2011) also suggests that a crisis, such as loss of an intimate relationship, can provide an opportunity for personal and spiritual growth.
Interestingly, in Judith Wallerstein’s (1985) longitudinal research into 60 families from California, the 10 year follow up found striking gender differences regarding psychological change; while 67% of women improved in their psychological functioning over the decade, 72% of men were found to be largely psychologically unchanged.
Duffy et al. (2002) studied 95 women a decade after divorcing and found a statistically significant improvement to overall assessment of life compared to a previous study they had taken part in immediately post divorce. The Likert scale questions focused on self-esteem, perception of control over their lives and overall assessment of life. While their conclusions are robust, some caution should be exercised here; Potter and Wetherall (1987) argue that bipolar psychometric scales make the assumption that participants are using the same object of thought when, in reality, each person’s object is different depending on their experiences, understandings and even their mood. However, the researchers also asked an open-ended question about what life had been like since the divorce. The answers showed most women perceived gains in both personal strength and feelings of wellbeing.
This research highlights the importance of exploring the grieving process with our clients; they may require validation of their losses and acknowledgment of the sometimes intense and powerful emotions that are tied up with grief.
The lost self
Much research indicates that women coming through divorce experience a feeling a having a lost self. Janet Kohen’s (1981) research found that of the 30 women interviewed in the post-divorce period (up to one year post divorce), 18 described themselves as ‘non people’, ‘not part of life’ or ‘depersonalised’.
King et al. (2004) used self-rated narratives and questionnaires to explore ‘lost and found possible selves’ of 73 divorced women in relation to their subjective wellbeing and ego development (the level of complexity with which an individual is able to conceive of themselves and the world). Their analysis indicated thinking about abandoned goals was associated with lowered subjective wellbeing whereas thinking about current best possible self (i.e. new goals and dreams) was associated with heightened subjective wellbeing.
The authors interpreted their findings as indicating that, while happiness may require an avoidance of thinking about what might have been, maturity might require an awareness of the losses that have occurred. Whist the methodology can be criticised for reducing complex human experience down to over-simplified quantifiable units that fail to tell us about lived experiences, it nonetheless, highlights the importance of acknowledging the lost self and allowing for exploration of new possible selves.
The relational self
Women have been found to have a greater tendency than men to define themselves in terms of their close relationships (Chen et al., 2001). In addition, women tend to accept responsibility for the failure of the marriage and the impact of divorce on other relationships such as children, family and even their ex-partner (Van Schalkwyk, 2005).
Gertina Van Schalkwyk’s (2005) noteworthy research explored the experiences of four divorced South African women from a social constructionist perspective. Van Schalkwyk examined how available dominant discourses impacted on their sense of self. She also explored how the previous construction of self (particularly as a relational being) was lost. Van Schalkwyk found that re-constructing the self for these women required a new positioning and new language.
Whilst it is important to recognise this study was based on only four women, all of whom were living in South Africa (and thus immersed in a specific culture), this research, nonetheless, highlights important issues that women may face. Van Schalkwyk argues that discourses are culturally defined and perpetuated through the many contexts we find ourselves in everyday (for example how being ‘single’, ‘married’ or ‘divorced’ is talked about) and that these dominant discourses disempower women. Van Schalkwyk deliberately chose the term ‘single again’ in her research instead of using the value-loaded word ‘divorced’. She goes on to suggest that the way we talk to ourselves and allow others to talk to, and about, us need to be explored in order to facilitate successful reconstruction of ourselves as relational beings.
Whilst experiencing the loss of their partner, divorcing men and women alike may also experience a loss of friends (Ross, 1995). In addition, many individuals can experience a lack of support from family or friends who were more closely affiliated with their partner or are simply uncomfortable with the situation (Harris, 2011).
Married friends may not feel readily able to accommodate a single woman into their social lives and, in addition, she can be seen as a threat to other people’s relationships (Van Schalkwyk, 2005). Importantly, though, women need social engagement both for their self-esteem and for successful reconstruction of their sense of self. Van Schalkwyk postulates that it is through retelling stories that women can begin to reconceptualise their past relationship and their ex-partner and re-create a public self they are happy to present to society.
The existing literature then highlights that through divorce, previous constructions of the relational self are largely lost and need reconstructing. Clearly, as clinicians this is something we need to be acutely aware of when working with women who are experiencing divorce. In particular, we need to be aware of, and draw our client’s attention to, how they may be constructing themselves through their language and the possibilities they have for reconstructing themselves differently.
Work identity
Whilst we have discussed the inherent difficulties women can experience in returning to work post divorce, a review of the literature provides an indication of the positive benefits for women working post divorce.
Wallerstein’s (1986) research found that success in a new career for women post divorce was associated with a sharp rise in self-esteem that was reflected in greater ease in social relationships.
Bisagni and Eckenrode (1995) interviewed 40 recently divorced women to assess work identity using a 23 item scale, the aggregate of which was scored on a Likert scale. They found higher scores of work identity were significantly correlated with higher self-esteem scores and lower distress scores. Although this is a correlation and, as such, the directions of causality unknown (it is entirely possible divorced women with high self-esteem scores and lower distress scores are, consequently, more likely to develop a stronger work identity) the research nonetheless supports the role of work identity in women’s adjustment to divorce and highlights the crucial part work may play for some women in re-establishing their identity.
Bisagni and Echenrode categorised work identity in terms of meaningfulness, social interaction and support, productivity and positive distraction. Interestingly, whilst they acknowledge that women with very low-level jobs were underrepresented in the study, it appeared that well-being was more closely related to work identity than to job level or income.
The existing research then suggests that work identity provides an opportunity for women to develop their autonomy, independence and a new sense of self. It therefore may be useful for clinicians to assist their clients in exploring their work identity and their feelings, and possible fears, around future opportunities and employment.
What additional research would be helpful in informing psychotherapeutic practice with this client group?
Women’s experience divorce is, undoubtedly, an important and relevant area of research. However, the existing literature is fairly limited. The dominant social cognitive perspective’s ontological position and associated methodology can be criticised for its objectification of the self and its failure to reveal the unique experiences of divorced women. In contrast, as we have seen, qualitative approaches attempt to look beneath the discourse. They can be criticised at times, however, for imposing interpretation upon the data and making assumptions that general patterns of behaviour exist across individuals.
Phenomenological psychology, in contrast, focuses on conscious experiences and aims to elaborate hidden qualities by eliciting rich descriptions, which illuminate structures of an individual’s lived world (Finley & Langdridge, 2007). Phenomenological analysis attempts to understand the meaning in descriptions through critical interrogation of the data; thematic descriptions are developed and fundamental aspects of the participants’ life world explored to examine how individuals experience time, space, inter subjectivity and body. It, therefore, offers a perfect framework within which to explore the essence of women’s lived, embodied experience through divorce.
Specifically, this type of research could look at how identities are constructed inter subjectively through the use of language and, as such, are inseparable from the historical, cultural and social contexts in which we live. In addition, this approach transcends the mind-body dualism as no distinctions are made between mind and body; indeed, it is through our bodies that we perform ‘selfhood’ (Landgridge, 2007). This type of research could, therefore, prove invaluable for clinicians who wish to gain a deeper understanding of the lived experience of women going through divorce, the associated grieving process and their subsequent, and necessary, redefining of self.
Conclusion
Research, can, and does, provide pertinent insights into working successfully with specific client groups. In this essay, we have explored the existing literature into working with women experiencing divorce. Despite the criticisms that can be made about the various ontological or epistemological approaches, the existing research highlights to us, as clinicians, what to be aware of when working with individuals in this client group.
Women clearly face specific challenges; whilst going through the process of grieving for the relationship and dealing with the emotions around that grief, they need to cope with re-defining their sense of self, adjusting to their changing financial and social positioning, whilst simultaneously re-thinking the rest of their lives. However, divorce, as we have seen, can herald personal growth for women.
It is clear from the literature that individuals in this client group may benefit from support in exploring the grieving process, acknowledging their lost selves and understanding how they may be constructing and, ultimately, reconstructing, their relational and social selves. In particular, clinicians need to be aware that language is often the first step towards establishing a new identity; how women talk about themselves, and allow others to talk about them, directly impacts on their ability to successfully reconstruct themselves (Van Schalkwyk, 2005).
Divorce is a challenging phase for all concerned and, like all types of loss and transition, it shapes who we are (Harris, 2011). Interestingly, whilst reviewing the literature it became apparent that women show a greater capacity for psychological change post divorce than men. It would be fascinating, and informative, to also research why this is the case.
As a clinician, I have found exploring the existing research in this area both enlightening and insightful. I would, however, welcome more research focused on both women’s experience, and indeed men’s, as the over whelming majority of research into divorce is the impact it has on children. In addition, I would welcome research taking a phenomenological approach to further inform practice. I believe this research would aid a deeper level of analysis into the lived experience of those going through divorce and the subsequent adjustment to their new life.
If you have found this article helpful but feel you would like more support please do get in touch and we can discuss what support we may be able to offer you.
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